I spent years dabbling in a few wrong relationships with all the wrong types of men.  Then I spent years alone. And then I met an honest,decent, funny, quirky man,named Phil, who hired a bagpipper to meet us in a park when he proposed to me.

Here is why he deserves to be mentioned on a weight loss site: Honesty! There were many great aspects to my childhood but one thing was at a premium in our home, and that was “productive honesty”.  It was better to say what wanted to be heard so as not to rock the boat or offend.    Of course, this became a part of me…how I operated and what I expected.  When my husband saw the way my family operated he addressed it right away. At first I was aghast. “It’s always been that way,Phil. Accept it and back off.”  Then I opened my mind and started seeing what he was talking about and started to slowly change. There was wisdom in his words. And I respected him enough to listen.

So, after a couple of years of marriage I began to gain weight.  When I brought it up to him I was waiting to hear, “Oh no you haven’t. You look great.”  Instead, in his calm manner, Phil either gently acknowleged it or remained silent.  I did not take that well.  I turned it into a “you don’t love me anymore because I’m heavy” tirade. He didn’t take the bait.  He didn’t fall into line and say what I wanted to hear. He knew what I needed!   This style of honesty made me grow up, take accountability, and finally take charge. So that when I found Buddyslim I was ready to embrace it.

This realization came full circle last night at dinner.  I made a baked stew that was crazy good.  I ate my portion, Phil ate his double or triple portion, I packaged the left overs and then did something hubby hasn’t seen me do in months: started mindlessly digging in to the bowl of leftovers. He watched me for a couple of seconds them calmly said, “what are you doing?”   It made me stop, laugh, set the food down and thank him.  Just 6 months ago I would have bit his head off and then let him know how hurt and offended I was.  But now I see the beauty and value of his honesty.

Sure he can get on my nerves and I’m sure he forgot to buy me a card today…but hey the gifts he’s given me are things that will last forever. Thank you Phil.

comfort

recreation

happiness

fulfillment

anticipation

joy

What I want food to mean to me:

fuel to function

nutrition for my body

So my question is; will I ever get there? I have made dramatic changes and great strides  but wish I could understand why, within just about everyday, there is some sort of battle regarding food intake.      Growing up, other family members seemed to have such a balanced view of food,  My mom and older brother at times would even “forget to eat”.  I recall being envious of this. I also recall being as young as 7 at the dinner table with my parents chuckling and saying, “Shannon, the food’s not going anywhere.” As they gazed upon mountains of food I had placed upon my plate. I recall thinking,”But it is so good, I want to make sure I get enough.”  I was never overweight (until recently) so it wasn’t an issue…more just a family joke.  Is it really just a physical thing? Am I somehow wired to receive too much delight from the taste of food? Or is it emotional?  Was I trying to fill some kind of void?  In my younger years life was good and carefree.  Why did I behave as if I had been raised during the Great Depression and now had to hoard food?, or as if I had a dozen siblings with which I needed to vie for food?  These are things I hope to figure out.  Perhaps there is no answer to be found…just the realization that I am no longer at a place in my life where it is okay to pile mountains of food upon my plate!

now to the “cable” topic. at dinner last night i finally told hubby i joined this site.  he told me of a story that day.  he works for the cable company and that day he was doing an install.  he walked into the bedroom and said there was a very large woman in the bed. she barely moved but they spoke a little. his thought was one of guilt, here he is installing cable so she can stay in that bed even more.  While we don’t know her condition, physically, etc.  the story just made me so sad.  I thought of this site and all the help available and just wanted to find this woman to give her hope.  i can only hope there is someone in her life that will give her the help she needs.  stuck up in bed at 2:oo in the afternoon watching tv is no way to live.